Where Do I Start And Where Do You Begin?
I dislike starting my writing off by always adding a big "DISCLAIMER" about my disorders. It feels dehumanizing.So...I won't!
I have felt conflicted for a very long time. Maybe a better word would be CONJOINED. As if the conflict inside me is deeply intertwined with my own idea of myself. I had this phantom-feeling as a child, as if I had two heads. I never exaclty thought about it, but I would turn to my side to adress this "other half". In an expression of acknowledgement. As an even younger child, I believed a man stayed with me in the nighttime. Watching me at night like a guardian angel.
As a young teen I became fascinated with stories of conjoined twins. I felt a connection with that duality. I understand now as a young adult that duality is present in every human. Not just those born conjoined. Though medical illustrations of a bodily conjoinment still interests me.
Shifting from that, I feel I should at least mention things like Heautoscopy/autoscopy, alice in wonderland syndrome, and out-of-body experiences. Of course dissociative disorders, autoscopy, and conjoined twins are wildly different things. All of which are caused by wildly different things! But I have felt a strong connection to such things ever since I've learned about them.
My internal conflict became personified as I was going through adolecence. The emotions became intolerable, so it was easier for me to rationalize things as being me vs not-me. And of course with that came plenty of dissociative amnesia. But I've always considered that a very stressful thing. I seem to have more identity-disturbed problems anyhow.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This is kind of all over the place. In all honesty I was just mad today and needed some sort of expression. All in all, I relate to experiences that have to do with disconnected or connected identies. Wether it be through the body, identity, or perception of vision. I have been reading some Jung and Freud. Not as if I subscribe to most of what they say, but I do find Jung's take on one's self very interesting. I will probably make a page dedicated to psychology eventually.
That's all for now,
-John Doe
